People assume that finding love will be simple, primarily due to the way Hollywood portrays it. However, reality isn’t like what you see in movies. To last over time, love needs time, effort, and attention. During courtship, falling in love is simple, but this is only because Mother Nature is initially on your side. Sadly, she is not always available to assist. These batteries run out after a few years, and she leaves it up to you to maintain your marriage. When things get to this point, you’ll need to put some effort into creating that romantic connection for yourself. It is no longer given away for free.
After the honeymoon period has passed, you might realize that your priorities have changed and that you are no longer solely focused on your spouse. You might lose that sense of connection as a result of your drifting. But in this situation, reviving your connection isn’t as challenging as you might imagine. All you really need to do at this point is reorder your priorities.
John Mordecai Gottman is an American psychologist and clinical psychologist who has published extensively on divorce prediction and marital stability over the course of four decades. He is a professor emeritus of psychology as well as a speaker and author who has won awards. We frequently associate infidelity with sexuality, according to the author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, who explained this in his book. But he argued that an extramarital physical affair is only one form of betrayal that poses a threat to a relationship, and that we should consider any act or decision that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others” to be betrayal. He argued that the solution lies in discovering new ways to communicate with one another and prioritize friendship.
Your priority is undoubtedly something you should always be honest about because it will be the key to changing your marriage. One of the best tools you have to forge or break connections is how you choose what to prioritize. Because when you put your partner first, you will inevitably feel love for them. And you automatically feel loved if you feel valued as a partner. So, putting your partner first is a decision you can make that will lead to the restoration of that love and commitment feeling.
To embrace this idea, you don’t have to upend your entire existence. Simply prioritize your marriage over all other activities, including work and other commitments. This requires complete, undivided attention. Sometimes people work more and spend less time with their families as a result of professional demands and personal goals. One or both partners may become overly preoccupied with their jobs as they pursue wealth, pleasure, or fame and neglect one another in the process. Couples become unavailable to one another when this occurs. What was once a passionate love story loses its focus. As a result, the marriage experiences silent annoyance, which develops into silent protest.
But when you rearrange your priorities, your life changes. Get rid of everything in your life that keeps you from concentrating on your marriage. In his Marriage Fitness classes, Mort Fertel argues this point more persuasively than anyone I’ve read on the subject: You’ll eventually devote your entire being to whatever you prioritize. If you put something else ahead of your relationship, you’ll end up getting married to that thing. Therefore, make the decision to prioritize your marriage above all else in your life—including your maker—and start acting in ways that reflect that decision right away. You only need to change that one thing to have a fulfilling marriage.
John Gottman identified four pillars of meaning that can help you prioritize your marriage. He discovered that relationships become deeper, richer, and more fulfilling the more shared meaning partners can develop. He emphasized four essential pillars of meaning—rituals, supporting one another in our roles, shared objectives, and shared philosophy of life (values & symbols)—that enrich relationships and family life.
He lamented in particular, about the way social media has replaced important rituals of connection. An organized activity or routine that you all look forward to and depend on can reflect and strengthen your sense of community. The majority of us are familiar with traditions from our youth, such as weekly family dinners, date nights, church attendance, gatherings with family, Christmas Eve, menorah or candle lighting for Kwanzaa, Thanksgiving, etc. Making rituals in your marriage (and with your kids) can be a powerful way to put your marriage first by deepening your connection and creating meaning together.