So, you’re engaged. Congratulations! It’s an exciting time, I remember it well. The planning, the dreaming, the endless to-do lists for the wedding. But here’s the thing I’ve learned over more than 30 years of guiding couples and in my own decades-long marriage to Sara—the wedding is just one day. The marriage is for the rest of your life.
And a lot of people, they plan the party but forget to plan for the partnership. They think love is all you need. And love is absolutely essential, don’t get me wrong. But love, by itself, isn’t a plan.
So before you walk down that aisle, you and your fiancé need to have some conversations. Not the easy, dreamy ones about where you’ll live. I mean the real ones—the ones that dig into the nitty-gritty of who you are and what you’re actually signing up for. I’ve found that couples who have these conversations, they don’t just have a wedding. They build a marriage with a strong foundation.
Let’s Get Real About The Big One: Are You Equally Excited?
This is the place to start. You see this concept throughout Scripture, this idea of being “unequally excited”. It’s not about being the same person, a couple may come from completely different cultural backgrounds. It’s about being headed in the same direction.
Think of it like two oxen pulling a plow. If one is much stronger or wants to go a different way, you just end up going in circles. Marriage is the same way. You don’t have to agree on everything. But you have to agree on the most important things: faith, family, and finances.
This isn’t just a one-time talk. It’s an honest, ongoing assessment: Are your core values and goals in life truly compatible? Are you walking in the same direction? If you can’t get on the same page about what matters most, that’s a sign that you need to do some more work before you get married.
The Three Big Conversations You Can’t Avoid
So, what does it look like to get on the same page? It means having some specific, sometimes tough, conversations. Here’s where I usually tell couples to start.
The Faith Conversation (More Than Just Going to Church)
This is foundational. Don’t just assume you’re on the same page because you both say you’re Christians. In my book, The All-for-Nothing Marriage, I talk about how a shared faith isn’t just a label; it’s the engine of a marriage.
So dig deeper:
- What does your faith actually look like in your daily life? What does it mean for your relationship?
- How will your faith shape your marriage? Your parenting? Your view of money and service?
- What are your expectations for involvement in a church community?
- This is where you build your “judgment-free zone,” a concept I’ve written about elsewhere on this site, where you can be totally honest and accepted
The Money Conversation (It’s Not Just About the Budget)
A lot of couples dread this one. But money isn’t really about money. It’s about power, security, control, and trust. You need to be fully transparent:
- What’s your financial situation right now? Be honest about any debts, spending habits, and savings.
- What are your financial goals? Are you both saving for a house? Travel? Retirement? If one of you is a spender and the other is a saver, what’s your plan to manage that?
- How will you handle your finances? Joint accounts? Separate? A combination? I’ve found that many couples’ leaders, including those I work with through Bridges of Hope, highlight this as a key source of future conflict if it’s not addressed early.
The Family Conversation (In-laws, Traditions, and Children)
This one gets messy, because it brings in your family and their family.
- How involved will your extended families be in your daily life? This is huge, and I have other articles on navigating in-law relationships that you might find helpful.
- How will you handle holidays? Whose family do you visit when?
- Do you both want children? If so, when, and how many? What about parenting styles? How will you support each other as parents? If one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, this is a conversation you need to have long before “I do.”
These aren’t just casual chats. They’re the building blocks of your future. And they can be challenging—that’s okay. The goal isn’t to agree on everything. The goal is to understand each other’s perspective and figure out how to build a life together, despite your differences.
A Final Thought
Nobody is perfect. No marriage is perfect. We’ve all had our share of disagreements, silent frustrations, and moments where we felt stuck, just like any other couple. But what has helped us navigate those moments is that we started with a foundation of honesty and a commitment to the real work of marriage. Don’t just plan for a wedding. Plan for a life. And those plans start with these conversations.
If you’re looking for more guidance on this, talk to others and share in their experiences. It’s a journey worth taking, and it all starts before you say “I Do.”