Let’s be honest. When you think about building a “Spirit-led marriage,” what comes to mind? For most of us, it’s the weighty, beautiful, and crucial things: deep prayer, scriptural wisdom, mutual submission, forgiveness that stretches your heart, and navigating conflict with grace. And you’re right. Those are the non-negotiables, the bedrock.
But what if I told you there’s a missing pillar? One that’s often dismissed as frivolous in our serious theological discussions, yet is absolutely vital for resilience and connection. I’m talking about playfulness. I’m talking about joy. Not as a rare byproduct, but as a deliberate practice in your covenant.
Think about it: The fruit of the Spirit isn’t just patience, kindness, and goodness. It is also joy (Galatians 5:22). This joy is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10), and it’s meant to permeate our lives—especially our closest human relationship. A marriage solely built on solemn duty can become a weary fortress. A marriage infused with the joy of the Lord becomes a playground for the soul.
Why Fun Isn’t Frivolous
In our pursuit of holiness, we can accidentally sanctify seriousness. We treat fun as a distraction, something for after the “real work” of marriage is done. But here’s the counterintuitive truth: shared laughter and lightheartedness are part of the real work.
Neuroscience and relationship science back this up. Laughter releases bonding hormones like oxytocin and reduces stress hormones like cortisol. A shared inside joke becomes a tiny shield against the world’s pressures. Playing together—whether it’s a silly board game, a spontaneous kitchen dance-off, or trying to build that IKEA furniture without the instructions—requires synchrony, communication, and a mutual surrender of self-consciousness. It builds a unique reservoir of positive connection.
This isn’t just about stress relief. It’s about remembering who you are together beyond the roles of co-parents, bill-payers, and schedulers. It’s about echoing the creativity and delight of our Creator. God didn’t design marriage to be a spiritual boot camp 24/7. He designed it for companionship, and true companionship has room for delight.
The “How”: Weaving Playfulness into the Fabric
Okay, so joy is important. But how do you cultivate it, especially when life is stressful, or you’re just plain tired? It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. It starts with intention.
- Rediscover Shared Hobbies (Or Find New Ones): What did you love doing together before life got complicated? Maybe it was hiking, cooking exotic recipes, or watching terrible movies. Schedule it. Yes, schedule fun. Treat it with the same importance as a meeting. If old hobbies don’t fit, experiment. Geocaching, a pottery class, or even a video game you can play cooperatively can become new territory to explore together.
- Celebrate the Mini-Moments: Playfulness lives in the small things. It’s the ridiculous voice you use to narrate the dog’s thoughts. It’s the intentional dad-joke text in the middle of a workday. It’s turning a mundane grocery run into a “find the weirdest item” contest. These micro-moments of connection are like spiritual WD-40 for the joints of your relationship.
- Laugh At the Chaos (When You Can): Sometimes, the most spiritual thing you can do is choose to laugh when everything goes wrong. The burnt dinner, the flat tire on the way to your important event—these are potential memory-makers if you can shift perspective. It’s not about avoiding grief or serious problems, but about refusing to let difficulty steal your collective joy. This is a practical outworking of choosing to trust God in all circumstances.
- Learn Your Partner’s “Fun Language”: Just as we have love languages, we have fun languages. One might feel most connected through adventurous activity, another through cozy, quiet humor. Pay attention. Does your spouse light up with competitive banter or with collaborative creation? Speaking their fun language makes connection effortless.
The Deep Connection to a Spirit-Led Life
This pursuit of joy is not separate from being Spirit-led; it’s a direct result of it. When we are secure in God’s love and grace, we are freed from taking ourselves too seriously. We can let down our guards. The resilience built through play helps you weather the storms you’ll inevitably face. That reservoir of positive memories? It’s what you draw from during dry or difficult seasons.
In many ways, this pillar of Joy completes the picture I often discuss, like in my article on The 5 Pillars of a Spirit-Led Marriage. Consider joy the mortar that holds those sturdy bricks of prayer, communication, and service together, making the structure not just strong, but livable and beautiful.
So, here’s my challenge for you this week: Don’t just pray with your spouse. Find a way to laugh with them. Don’t just serve them. Find a way to play. See it as a spiritual discipline—one that reminds you both of the goodness of God and the sheer gift it is to walk through this life, hand in hand, with a heart light enough to skip sometimes.
